NFL
By: Rick O’Donnell
If you’ve been on social media lately and the algorithm has brought you to the dating side of things, you’ve probably heard about the latest debate. Are coffee dates considered real dates? One side of the argument is saying it lacks creativity and doesn’t constitute an actual date. On the other side of the coin, people argue that just planning any quality time together should be considered a real date. So who is right?
That depends on your definition of dating. It comes down to two schools of thought.
The group of people claiming that a coffee date is not a real date will tell you it lacks creativity. It’s not a real date if they’re not swept off their feet and blown away by romance. These are the people who want their fairy tale love story to brag to their friends about. The Prince Charming effect who want a big elaborate production to show just how committed you were to them right from the start. These people typically want the grand gesture more than they want the other person involved in the date. This is a very “judge a book by its cover approach. If they’re not wowed on the first date, chances are there will rarely be a second. The main problem with this type of date is it’s almost superficial. More often than not, a grand gesture leaves no where to go but downhill. Then, because you fell for the show, you often miss the genuine connection with who that person really is. People who expect these kinds of dates are often more concerned about their needs than if the other person is having a good time or not.
Then there are the people who see dates as a chance to get to know someone on a personal level. They don’t need the grand gesture because they’re looking for a one-on-one connection. A simple hike on a summer day or a quaint lunch is preferable. There’s no pressure put on either of the people to have a good time, it’s less about being able to brag to your friends about the extravagant date you just went on and more about the extravagant person you really felt a connection with. It doesn’t need to be an expensive steak and seafood dinner, no it can be a picnic in the park. This is more of a two-way street in dating as who the other person is matters just as much as the experience of the date.
So where do coffee “dates” land in all of this? After all, why wouldn’t coffee dates fit into a well-thought-out date? Here’s the thing about dinner dates. Yes, they can be great, and being “wined and dined” makes you feel special but dinner dates are so overrated. Do you know how hard it is to chat someone up in between taking bites of food and not talking while chewing your food. If you have a good time, do you order dessert, or not? If you do order a dessert do you split it and look like a cheapo for not offering your date one of their own? If you each get your own, again you’re in this awkward state of trying to extend conversations between bites of food. The servers are always coming up asking how you’re doing mid-conversation throwing off the pace and connection of the date. That’s all well and good if you’re a few dates in, but right off the bat, it’s super awkward and shifts focus.
So why wouldn’t you want a coffee date as a first date? It’s not about being cheap, it’s about making a genuine connection. Think of it this way, coffee shops often have a line which you can stand in and make small talk while waiting to place your order. After you’ve both picked up your coffee you can sit at a table and have your date’s full attention. The momentary pauses in conversation are left to the little sips of coffee along the way. There’s a bit more intimacy when it comes to the face-to-face moment of coffee dates. You’re locked in on getting to know each other without someone coming up and asking if “would you like to hear the specials” or if you’d “like your drink topped off.” Not to mention the fact that it 100% gives you an opportunity to learn one of the most important things to remember, their coffee order. There are more small gestures that teach you someone’s true intentions in a coffee date than the grand gestures of trying to impress.
No matter how you look at it, there’s too much pressure on a first date as it stands. Why the first date is the most important to people I’ll never understand. People are always putting on a show to get you to buy into their personality. If you really want to get to know someone, start focusing on the dates after the first one when they start to let their guard down. If the coffee date isn’t enough for you to feel out what a person is about in favor of you being treated like a king or queen, you’re never going to find what you’re looking for. Coffee dates put you in a better spot to not have the wool pulled over your eyes by the grand gesture and should never go unappreciated.
